My life and my thoughts - on faith, culture, politics, whatever comes to my mind

Thursday, April 14, 2005

When I was just a little girl...

When I was little, life seemed so much easier and clearer. Sometimes I miss that feeling, because nowadays life often seems to be difficult, decisions unclear, situations complicated. Understand me right, I am not complaining. And I don’t have reason too. I’m not whining either. Why should I? But these last days made me remember the times when life seemed different.
As a little girl it seemed obvious to me that parents love each other (mine still do) and I was a lucky kid who didn’t see their disagreements (which probably weren’t many, but I’m sure they were there). Of course I thought everybody had parents that love each other and their kids. I thought people always liked each other. At least kids :). I must have had disagreements with my friends, but we stayed friends. The feelings of being betrayed and not liked started later at school. I thought everybody believes in Jesus. At that early age (between 5 and 7 years) I did not know about depression, war, hate, drugs, divorce, rejection ... Well, I maybe knew about it, but I did not understand it. It had not touched my life yet.
By now a lot of things that I read about as a teenager and thought – well, this is a book, that doesn’t happen to people I know – have happened to people I know. Even to some of my best friends. It seriously hurt them and it hurt me. Some have happened to me (story for another day). And the scars are still there and influence my behavior sometimes, I guess. Although I have gone through a healing process by grace and love.
Excuse me if I sound moody today. But yesterday I heard that two of my friends are in hospital. One is actually quite fine, she “just” has to lie in bed because she is bleeding although she is pregnant. But she and the baby are well. I was so glad.
My other friend though was hospitalized for the third time in a year with depression that lead to suicidal thoughts. It is a long story I cannot share in this post. She went to hospital herself after recognizing what was going on. So we are really proud of her and glad she got help. But I am hurting for her and her family. I love her so much, I just wish she got healed.
Those are things that were not part of the little girl’s world, not even of her imagination. Neither were school acquaintances turning heroin-addicted or dying from cancer, friends having miscarriages or loosing their children, hurt and rejection for being the way I was, difficult decisions concerning one’s future, abuse of teenagers I know by their parents ...
We really live in a fallen world. But sometimes it just hits harder. It is good that we do not have to carry worries and pain alone. As Christians we are called to laugh with the joyful and to mourn with the mourners. We can share our burdens and our joys. (And there are lots of joys, they’re just not part of this post.) And God wants us to share them with Him. Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you (2. Peter 5, 7). It is good to know where we can go when life seems overwhelming and we are hurting for ourselves or others. Although I have to remind myself over and over that I can cling to the Rock and leave my concerns at the foot of the cross (and not take them back again, I'm really good at that).