My difficulty with letting go
Sometimes I think if there is one thing I'm good at it is - worrying. At least where I am in my life right now. Many of you may know that I will take the written exams of the German legal bar in three weeks. And of course it is farely easy to worry about that - grades, jobs, career ... Even though I do want to be a mother and a home-maker, I would be lying if I said that I did not care about my final grade. But of course there are enough other things to worry about as well ...
BUT truth to be told I do not want to worry. And I think I should not worry either. I believe that God is sovereign. His will will come to pass. Nothing will happen that He does not allow. So no matter if my grade is good or bad, God has a plan with it. Many times in the Bible we are told not to worry or find assurances that we can rest safely in God's hand and trust Him. Here are some verses that come to my mind when I try to fall asleep:
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? [...] Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" Matthew 6:25,27
"For we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose." Romas 8:28
"Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He care for you" 1 Peter 5:7
"The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe." Proverbs 18:10I do give my care and worries to the Lord - but I'm really good about taking them right back out of His hands too. I really need to learn how to let go! Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself. My only hope is clinging even more (a lot more!) to God. Running to Him with everything right away. And bringing Him my anxiety again and again.
Another reason I do not want to let my worries rule me, is for the benefit of others around me. Don't get me wrong now, I think it is a perfectly normal and also sometimes beneficial to share your anxieties with your friends or your husband or someone else close to you. But I think we should not be a burden either. It is difficult to make a general statement on this, I hope you will get me right.
I just know that I don't want to be complaining to my beloved the whole time about my worries. My expectatons are from God, I should never forget that (Pslam 62:5). I don't want to burden someone to much, e.g. to the point that they are just frustrated too or that I turn into an almost-always whining person who isn't at all enjoyable to be around.
Last Sunday our Pastor shared four rules with us. He was taught them at a Pastor's conference by a 93-year-old Benedictin monk from Hungary who had to spent ten years in a Gulag. These were the rules he and his fellow-prisoners came up with to survive the Gulag:
- Don't complain.
- Find joy in the little things.
- Be humble and noble.
- Cling to God
There is an old German hymn by Paul Gerhardt (from 1653) that has also been very helpful to me. I'll quote my two favorite verses for you (and sorry for the German :)).
Befiehl du deine Wege und was dein Herze kränkt,
der allertreusten Pflege des, der den Himmel lenkt,
Der Wolken, Luft und Winden gibt Wege, Lauf und Bahn,
Der wird auch Wege finden, da dein Fuß gehen kann.
Auf, auf, sag deinem Schmerze und Sorgen gute Nacht,
laß fahren, was dein Herze betrübt und traurig macht.
Bist du doch nicht Regente, der alles führen soll,
Gott sitzt im Regimente und führet alles wohl!